The Joker
by DarkSeptember
Summary: Logan has a little too much to drink... This is a Wolverine & Rogue humour ficlet [oneshot]. Rated M for Logan's drunken swearing


A/N: I was challenged to write a Rogan fic influenced by Steve Miller's 'The Joker', this was the result ... and heh... it was much fun!  
:o)

* * *

"Logan you're drunk."

"S'fine. Am not." Ok, so he might be slurring a just a little bit, but she wouldn't notice. Would all be good.

"What you doing down there then Sug-"

"I'm restin!" GodDAMMIT! "D'ya normally go round disturbin' people when they're restin'? Huh?"

"In the hedge?"

"Yeah, well. It came outta nowhere." Fuckin' thing did an' all. One moment he was happily staggerin' his way down the path. Or up the path. Fuck, it could have been through the path for all he knew, and the next he was face down in a heap of thorns. Which wasn't that bad really if you-

"Comfy Sugar?"

Y'know. He may be drunk. But he was gettin' the distinct impression he was being mocked. He rolled over and stood up. Which involved sliding to the floor.

"'Lo kid," he said to Rogue's jean clad legs. Then snickered.

She looked down at him. "What?"

"You're wearing jeans." He held out a finger and poked her leg. Once. Then snatched it back again when she glared at him. "They could be, like, Jean's. Y'know, Jean's jeans." He snickered again.

Now she was looking at him strangely. "That's not funny. How much have you drunk?"

He waved a dismissive hand in front of his face. "'S'nothin'. Only this." He produced a bottle from underneath his jacket. It was empty. "Oh, an' this." Out came another bottle.

"That it?"

"And this." Out came a third. "And I may have accidentally smoked several of these."

"Logan."

Ah. He knew that tone of voice. It meant Scott was about to give him a lecture. 'Cept Scott still looked an awful lot like Rogue.

"Where did you get those?"

His head sank back against the hedge with a silly grin plastered all the way across it, shoulders shaking as he laughed to himself. "I confiscated them off a student."

"You...? Then you...Logan, are you _high_?"

For some reason that was even funnier. But she wasn't laughing and...oh...she was expecting an answer. Hmmm. He stopped, frowned and concentrated. "I don't think so," he said slowly. She was a lot taller than him at the moment, so y'know realistically he must be quite low...

"You're high! You are _fucking_ HIGH! We gotta get you inside before Scott catches you."

"Why? D'ya think he'd want a smoke too? I ain't sharin' darlin'. Y'know," he tilted his head to the side, gave her a curious look. "Y'look kinda sexy when you're-"

"Up, Logan. Now." A gloved hand reached down to help haul him to his feet. It was such a pretty little gloved hand he might just have to...

"LOGAN! For fucks sake stop licking me!"

Some people were just no fun. He grumbled about it as he lurched to his feet. Quite successfully as well, even if he did say so himself. He was vertical and everything.

"Logan?"

And, oh look, there was the mansion all glittery and mutant filled in the distance.

"Logan?"

And if he spun round really fast, he could-

"LOGAN! Are you listening to me?"

He staggered slightly. "Yes?" he tried. He wasn't sure it was the right answer, but it seemed to make her happy. "All three of you," he added. There was Rogue, next to her was Rogue, and in-between them both was Rogue. He frowned at her cross-eyed and impressed. "Never knew y'could do that kid."

She rolled her eyes. "It's gonna be a long walk back home," she sighed as she slipped a hand around him, dragging his adamantium laced arm over her shoulder to half lead, half carry him back.

They hadn't gone more than a few steps, when he started to slide in her grip, and she was forced to hoist herself closer to tighten her grasp.

"Y'know darlin', if y'wanted to grope me all y'had t'do was say."

"I'm not trying to grope you Sugar."

"Shhh s'ok," he said in what actually turned out to be a very loud whisper. "Don't need to deny it darlin'. Aint no one here but us. And, y'know," he added conspiringly, "I'm the Wolverine. No one would blame you. They may say that I get my lovin' on the run, but do ya know what they call me back in Canada? The_ gangster_ of love baby..." He let his last point hang suggestively in the air, wondering if giving her a smirk would be taking it too far. Wouldn't want her swooning or anythin'.

"Uh-huh...?"

Was she laughin' at him? Now that wasn't very nice. He'd have to do somethin' about that. "Some people even call me... why you staggerin' darlin'?"

"Because you're damn heavy."

"Oh. Fine." Well if she was gonna be snappy he'd just look the other way. "Hmm mmm mmm."

"And stop humming."

"I'm not humming." He tried to sound hurt. It had been tuneful an' all. "You're imaginin' it."

"I mean it. I'm not carrying some sort of singing Wolvogram-"

"You don't want me to sing? What, y'mean loud? Like this?...I'm a picker, 'm a grinner, 'm a LOVER, yeah BABY, I'm a sinner..."

"Logan, stop it. They'll hear you."

"I'm a JOKER, 'm a SMOKER, I'm a miiiiidnight toker-"

"Which is what got you into this mess."

"I PLAY MY MUS-"

"-Would you shut. The fuck. UP."

He stopped and turned to her. "Well now you're just bein' mean." He scowled. "C'mere darlin'. Let me teach you a thing or two 'bout bein' nasty."

Rogue shifted quickly away and held him at arms length. "Uh-uh. There is no way I'm getting closer to you when you're..."

"When I'm _what_? Fine." He sulked, trying to stagger away. He didn't get very far, which kinda made his, "I don't need ya anyway kid..." redundant.

She gave him the give-me-strength look. "Listen," she said hauling him back by his jacket. "I don't need to be wasting my time helping you. I could leave you alone, you'd eventually heal and find your own way. But for some reason I'm being nice. I just...mmmf! LOGAN! I said I was being nice! That doesn't mean that you can-MMmfff! ...Goddamit would you STOP!"

"What's wrong baby?" He slurred, swaying slightly. "Y'think people'll say I'm doin' you wrong? 'Cause, y'know," he leant close to whisper in her ear, totally misjudging the distance and head butting her instead, "don't tell anyone, but I can take 'em all."

He looked at her as if it was some big secret and waited for her to be impressed. It wasn't working. He frowned. Maybe more graphic description was needed. "I'll growl and then I'll-" #SNIKT# He sprung the claws from his fist, the effect totally ruined by the fact that his hand was far too close to his face, and he jolted back in woozy-eyed shock, before tripping backwards over his own feet and landing on his ass.

He started giggling like a girl.

Rogue stood over him, hands on hips, eyebrow raised. "Get up."

"Y'know," he did his best to sound authoritive, he had a sneaking suspicion it would help. "Y'don't have t'worry baby. I'll be good t'ya. Jus' gimme some love. Pleeeease? I'll show ya a good time..."

Arms moved from hips, to be folded in front of her chest. He wasn't sure if that meant she was in a better mood or not. Although it did give him a rather nice view of her cleavage. Yes. Upon careful consideration, he decided that whatever it meant, he liked it much better.

"Are you staring at my...?"

"No..." he said absently into the revealing V of her top.

"You are!"

"..."

"You ARE! You...you..." She stopped herself with a huff. A finger appeared in front of her chest beckoning his gaze upwards. "Up here Sugar."

Huh? Oh.

"I am NOT going there. Not TONIGHT. Not EVER if you carry on like that. Now get up! Give me your hand."

He watched her lean down. Heh. Oh yeah, now that view was even better. He grabbed the hand and yanked. Suddenly there was a whole lotta Rogue covering him. And that felt damn good. "Mmmm," he mumbled scratching his stubble against her neck and nibbling her ear.

"Logan!"

"Why d'ya keep turnin' me down darlin'" He sulked, hoping it sounded all heartfelt and romantic. Then he remembered he didn't do heartfelt and romantic, so he added a growl as an afterthought.

"Because you're stoned and you don't know what you're doing."

"I'm...? Heh heh heh. You worried y'might rob me of my innocence?" He snickered until she gave him that look again. The Scott look. Really disturbing. He decided he better give the matter some thought. "How 'bout if I was sober?"

"Maybe."

"AhHA!" _And_ her heartbeat was definitely going faster. He gave her a dirty sidelong glance to help his cause. It came out more like a leer, but was close enough for his standards. "I have an idea. How 'bout we jus' pretend I'm sober." He looked around as if to check no one else was listening. "'Cause, I won't tell anyone if you don't." He gave her the eyebrow for effect.

"Logan, it doesn't work like that. It's mmmphfff. Stop kissing me! You're making this very difficult."

He rolled over, trapping her hot little body beneath his. "You," he said with utter conviction... ok, he _slurred_ with utter conviction, "are just the cutest thing I ever saw."

"Did you just say 'cute'?"

He growled and his eyes dropped lower. "An' I really love your peaches baby, I wanna-"

"Logan if you letch over my chest again, I'll mmmphff."

Damn the kissin' thing was good. You got to kiss. You got to shut her up. Was there no end to its benefits?

And this time when he pulled away she was definitely lookin' a little flushed. That _had_ to be a good thing. "C'mon," he almost whined. "Y'want me. I'm right here. Let me show you a good time."

"Logan, you're stoned. You wouldn't be like this normally. It's wrong to take advantage of you when..."

He rubbed against her suggestively. Ok, so maybe dry humping was technically classified as obvious rather than suggestive...but that was details...

"...wrong...to...take advantage when..." She managed, before she licked her lips and he took it as an invitation to kiss her again.

"...when..." She blinked and he took that as an invitation too.

"When you're...you're... Christ Logan, whatever you're doing, don't stop... don't... don't... Fuckit. Y'know I'll respect you in the morning — c'mere."

Mmmff. Now that was better.

DAMN he needed to confiscate more often.


End file.
